I used to dream about ghosts.
From the time I was a child, I had a recurrent dream where I was terror-filled: running, running, always running. Trying to escape some invisible thing that would never let me leave. I can remember pieces of the dream, but most of all, I remember the feeling—the pit in my stomach that made me nauseous and left my heart racing when I woke up.
My childhood was the stuff of nightmares. Homelessness, drugs, and stories that either seem fake when I say them out loud or that I’m not ready to talk about publicly yet. The list is nearly endless.
![ghosts](https://toquestisdivine.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/crina-parasca-4sLQldRt0sg-unsplash-683x1024.jpg)
I’m an adult now. The things that put me in danger as a child that I couldn’t control are behind me. The people that I was supposed to be able to trust, but couldn’t, have boundaries countries-wide. My rage, difficult to contain then, but carefully acknowledged and confronted until I could process anger and hurt and fear more rationally, is calmer now.
And yet: that invisible danger that I can’t escape is so familiar to me that I can still recall it at a moment’s notice. The fear remains. My throat seizing up, my stomach churning, a hopeless feeling that I can’t shake, all still so fresh, like I’m still that little curly-headed child that people smile at and then use for whatever purpose they like.
And sometimes, still, I have to close my eyes and will the feeling away, trying not to see flashes of worst-case scenarios for everything that makes me happy.
Sometimes, still, I walk away from my partner and my trust falters and I think—briefly, but still there—He could just leave me here, because he doesn’t care about me anymore.
Sometimes, still, I think to myself, These people aren’t really my friends, they’re just talking to me because they have to.
Sometimes. Still. I have that dream. An invisible demon, flying after me, flipping my childhood play tables and ripping my clothes from my suitcase so I can’t get away. The weight of fear is so heavy, and I feel so small.
And sometimes, I worry that will never leave me.
“I Used to Dream About Ghosts” was originally published in the Fall 2021 Tomorrow & Tomorrow Anthology, which you can find here.
This piece is autobiographical and references some painful parts of my childhood. Times are different now, but some things remain. I used to dream about ghosts, but not so much anymore.